The 18th of May will mark 6 months – 181 days since we lost our first baby. I thought I’d write a little update post on how we’re feeling and how we’ve coped so far. Also – I wanted to share the things we’ve done, and steps we’ve taken that have helped us the most.

A real turning point was when I wrote my first blog post, sharing our story about the losses we’ve experienced after trying to conceive for almost two years. Prior to that, even though I’d spoken to close family and friends, I’d been in a really dark place. I was up and down like a yo-yo, some days I felt I could have conquered anything and the others were just a complete battle. It felt like everybody around me was getting pregnant, having healthy babies, and I started to feel resentful. Whilst this is somewhat normal whilst you’re dealing with this kind of grief, it’s not a healthy mindset to have by any stretch… and something has to give in order to begin the healing process. Not everybody agreed with me sharing my story. Some people believe that it should be kept ‘private’ but my response to that quite literally is fuck what anybody else thinks. You should do whatever helps YOU. Miscarriage is something that unless people have been through it themselves, as much as they like to think that they understand it, they really don’t. It is a loss, and loss causes grief and pain. Think about what you need as a person. Counselling is a great option if you do want to keep it private – I didn’t go down this route myself but I would absolutely recommend if you are feeling alone and don’t have the confidence to share something so upsetting with the world. For me, sharing our story, and getting the response that it did… and all of the women (and men actually) that I connected with who shared their stories with me was absolutely incredible and really helped me feel that 1) I had helped others in the process and 2) I wasn’t alone.

The biggest thing I’ve learned is that grief and healing does not have a timescale, and everybody will handle miscarriage differently. I’ve been lucky enough to connect with a lot of different women who have similar feelings to what I have (and some days, still do!) but they all have their own little way of coping on the tough days. It’s very easy to get sucked into thinking things like ‘why am I still upset? I should be over this by now’ ABSOLUTELY not true. The problem is, this is not spoken about enough, so as a women when this happens to you, you really have no idea what to do. Don’t tell yourself that you ‘should’ be better. You’re human, and you know you better than anybody else. Give yourself time.. and be kind to yourself.

When we experienced our two back to back losses, I was working from home and running my own business… and found that being alone with my thoughts, without an office environment and having to pull myself together to go to ‘work’ each day made it even harder. Some days, I couldn’t even get out of bed because I was so depressed. I took the decision to apply for normal full time jobs, and secured myself a Recruitment Resourcing job only 20 minutes from home. I was actually a Resourcer prior to starting my own business so I knew that it was a role I enjoyed. This was by far one of the best decisions I could have made. Whilst it can feel like a back step after being your own boss, having a 9-5 style routine, and having to put your makeup on and show up for something 5 days a week really has pushed me out of the depressive, demotivated phase that I was stuck in. Luckily, I have an amazing employer, and an absolutely fantastic team. Everybody is so kind, and just being around them has played a massive part in my healing over the past few months… and they probably don’t even know it! To the Amiqus guys, if you do read this, I owe you so much for the support you’ve given to me! You’re all hilarious, and laughter is definitely the best medicine for this sort of thing.

Another thing that I had to do was really focus on my relationship with my partner. Whilst he was unbelievably supportive, I think it’s easy to forget that men grieve too, and they do it in a very different way to us. Gaz’s positive attitude and outlook on this whole situation has been the light at the end of the tunnel for me – he is amazing. We decided to really enjoy and appreciate the time we have left together as a two, and this has been so powerful. We’ve connected in an even deeper way than we had before, and did little things like buy a pack of date night cards – they’re so cute! There’s 52, so a date night idea for every week of the year, both going out and staying in. The link is here for anybody who wants to have a look at them. Having a date night to look forward to each week has been a great distraction, plus… its quality time too!


Keeping a diary. This isn’t for everybody, but on the more down days, I really like to write. Writing your feelings on paper or on a blog is another thing that can be really empowering – and it’s amazing to be able to look back on how far you’ve come mentally every now and again. I also decided that I was going to remember the babies each year on the date that we lost them, but in a loving and positive way rather than a sad way. Despite only being pregnant for a short time, I still loved being pregnant! Regardless of the sickness and the tiredness. It was so special, and we should be able to hold onto that feeling of happiness no matter what. An idea is to have a little keepsake box with any special items that you can look through when you’re feeling a little sad. I haven’t done this, but I know I’ve spoken to ladies who have and it’s helped them a great deal.

Trying to think about the loss in a spiritual way has been quite comforting too. I like to think that the babies that we lost are always watching down on us, and are saving an extra special one for when the time is just right… and this is such a lovely thought to have. Trusting your body is important. As difficult as it is to swallow, especially when all of this is so raw, our bodies know best, and it’s very, very good at dispelling a pregnancy that isn’t viable. It’s taken me a long time to come to accept this, but when you can… it really is a weight lifted off your shoulders. It’s so easy to blame yourself for the loss, or feel that there is something wrong with you… and there’s not! Mother Nature is amazing, and she’ll always do her thing to protect you.

Taking time off the hospital appointments. This may not apply to everybody, but I was offered quite a few different tests, scans, and investigations into why we had miscarried twice in a row… particularly as it had taken a while for us to conceive. At first, I didn’t feel mentally strong enough to face a hospital, a scan, a blood test… or an examination. And that’s perfectly ok! There is no rush, this is a process… and you have to take those steps when you feel strong and ready. Holding off on these tests gave me time to really build up the strength, courage and positive mindset that I needed to face it all again. I’ve now had an ultrasound, and internal scans and everything looks to be as it should be, which is a huge positive. They also took blood on day 2, and 21 of my cycle this month to monitor hormone levels… so every single step is a step in the right direction right now. Rather than dreading the hospital like I did last time, now, I feel ready… and every appointment is just another tick off our list. And that’s really important. We shouldn’t put ourselves through this stuff if it’s only going to cause more pain. Take some time off!

Lastly – if you can, try and get away somewhere together, whether that’s a spa day, or a short break, or even a full blown holiday. I’m currently sat writing this on the plane to Tenerife for a rare few days away with Gaz (he’s snoozing next to me, no surprise there). It’s been a whirlwind six months, and I think it’s very easy for people to forget how much these sorts of things can affect you at work, and at home. Down time, and removing any pressure can do incredible things for your body and your mind.

Lmao… told you…

Try to remember that negative thoughts don’t and will never serve you. Gratitude for the here and now will be the most important part of your healing process. You’ll never forget, but you can find a loving way to remember your little ones. Somebody said to me ‘the day that you conceived, you became a mother and nobody can take that away from you’. I think that’s a beautiful thing.

Every day, you’re getting stronger – even if you don’t feel like it.

Love Chloé x

Helpful websites






This is such an important post to write because Social Media really does offer people an invisibility cloak. It gives you the opportunity to hide which isn’t going well and only showcase what is. Whilst this is all personal choice, I do feel like for anybody who is documenting their business journey and working for themselves on Social Media, it’s just as important to share the hardships just as much as the ‘look at me, I can do what I want!’ cocktail, nice car, Gucci handbag… ‘This is great!’ … another cocktail. You know the kind of posts I’m talking about.

When I started my own business a little over two years ago, I made a promise to myself that I would always remain REAL, HONEST AND GENUINE.

Gucci… that’s never been who I am in the first place, I’m a sale shopper through and through. But what you find is that nobody ever seems to want to share their STRUGGLES. Nobody ever posts to say ‘You know what, business hasn’t been great this month’. I think we’ve somewhat been conditioned to think that having a bad month is classed as failure, and that we should be embarassed of failure.
I don’t want to be somebody who hides away when it’s tough, I want to be raw. I want everybody who reads my stuff to know that it’s REAL – and I want to inspire people! There is no way on this Earth that running a successful business is ‘easy’ – no matter what you do for a living.

When we suffered our pregnancy losses at the end of last year, I felt like I completely lost my identity. Working from home, for yourself, with nobody telling you what to do sounds perfect… but again, nobody tells you how HARD it is at the best of times! Let alone when you’ve suffered a loss, or when you feel so down. I struggled to motivate myself, and some days even to get dressed. Call this what you will… depression? A tough time? Whatever it was… My reason for getting up and building this business every day was for our future children, and when they were taken away I felt I had lost my ‘why’.

I’ve worked since I was 16… never went to University, I wanted to earn my own money and be comfortable, as growing up, we had to watch every single penny. This motivated me more than ever! I started my business alongside a super busy full time job, and built that to a point where I was able to walk out of that job just over a year later. Easily the proudest moment of my life.

When I fell apart a few months ago, my business did too! No bullshit – this is the truth. I’ve gone back into full time work because we have a beautiful home and a wedding to pay for, and I won’t leave that to rest totally on my partner’s shoulders. I’ve always been independent as a woman… and that was not going to change. Another reason for this is that I needed to kick myself back into a routine… something that would force me to dress up, toughen up and SHOW up each day – something I wasn’t doing as a business owner. I needed people, and I’m lucky to be working with a fantastic bunch of those!

Currently, I’m rebuilding my business, and writing my blog whilst working full time – and I’m so happy to say that my mindset is improving drastically and the business is going from strength to strength again – despite me having 40 hours less every week to work on it.

The reason I’m sharing this is because NOBODY ever does. I refuse to believe that any highly successful person has had an easy ride. Set backs happen. Life throws curve balls – it’s sh*t at times! But I don’t believe that anybody should lose their raw edge or their real self just for the sake of their ego. I’m not ashamed. In the end, what really matters is that I haven’t given up when a lot of people probably would have. It’s the not giving up that’s KEY.

To whoever is reading this right now… I hope that this spurs you on to push yourself, and most importantly to do what’s best for you, without worrying about how others may perceive that!


Lifestyle, Positive Mindset

“The best use of imagination is creativity. The worst use of imagination is anxiety”

I know what brought my anxiety on, and can pinpoint exactly when it started. Worrying about money, burying my head in the sand instead of facing my debt, and little by little the doubts and negative thoughts started to creep in. I’d lay in bed at night unable to sleep thinking “What will I do if something bad happens?” and play out situations in my head. People getting hurt, or me losing somebody I love. Trying to work out how I would cope with any sort of emotional trauma. Before I knew it, these thoughts had turned into episodes during the day where I felt like I just could not take a deep breath. It was almost like something was crushing my chest.  A concrete block, or a bloody elephant. Then, I’d have dizzy spells and feel as if I was in a dream… or just that I was going faint/to stop breathing all together!

Next came the panic attacks. I remember collapsing on our bathroom floor once, feeling like I was going to be sick. I couldn’t see or breathe, my head was fuzzy. The fear was so intense, but I just couldn’t tell you what I was scared of. It’s crazy how one life experience can turn into an array of negative thoughts, and how much those thoughts can spiral out of control and morph into the monster that we know commonly as ‘anxiety.’

I’m writing this post because over the last couple of years I’ve worked hard on finding coping methods that don’t involve taking any medication. That’s not to say that medication is wrong – everybody is different and needs to focus on what works for them… and you can only figure that out by trying. However, there are natural methods out there and I thought I’d share my experience of what has helped me, in the hope that it can help somebody else. I don’t believe that you can ever really cure anxiety – but what you can do (with practice and lots of trial and error) is manage it.

Lavender Oil

In a hot bath, on your pillow before bed, or even a dab on your neck and wrist. When I was travelling a lot last year, the crushing feeling in my chest was back with a vengeance. Sometimes, I’d even unscrew the cap of the bottle and just smell it. You do get some funny looks, but I found the smell of lavender really calmed me. Using it on my pillow helped me drop off to sleep, and left the negative thoughts less time to worm their way into my head!

The Secret

I read ‘The Secret’ for the first time in October 2017. If you haven’t read this book, I urge you to. Whether you believe in the law of attraction or not, the message behind every page of Rhonda Byrne’s book is pretty powerful. Thoughts multiply faster than we can possibly imagine. How often have you got out of bed feeling like crap, and everything just goes wrong for you that day. It gets progressively worse the more you think about how rubbish you’re feeling. You might spill your tea, or stub your toe… then you’ll hit a huge traffic jam on the way to work. Coincidence? Or are you so focused on how awful you’re feeling that you’re subconsciously attracting even more negativity? If you’re thinking about how anxious you are, or how worried you are… you are only attracting more anxiety and more worry. Believe me. In the book, she talks about having frequency shifters ready in your mind for when a bad thought rolls up. Something that can instantly make you happy, like a funny memory, or your favourite song. Have these ready and use it to bat off thought by thought.

Positive Affirmations

There’s no phrase more empowering than ‘I am’. Grab a notepad and write down a counter to all of your fears and worries. If you constantly think “I’m in so much debt, and I never have any money” write “I am making progress with clearing my debt every day, and money flows into my life easily”

If you constantly think “I’m never going to be happy, or get rid of these feelings” write down “I have a choice to be happy. Today, I choose to be happy”. Even if you don’t feel like it at the time, writing this down and reading it back to yourself when you need to only reinforces the statement in your head.


Gratitude is another important tool to have handy when the anxious thoughts and feelings rear their ugly head. Writing down 3 things you’re grateful for in that moment, on a piece of paper, in your phone… or even just thinking of them in your head. This helped me tonnes, and I made a habit of turning every worry into me thinking about how grateful I am for that person, or that situation.

Like I said before, these tips won’t work for everyone, but I think it’s important to give them a chance. Listening to one positive audio book, or reading one book isn’t going to make your negative thoughts miraculously disappear. Helping yourself is a commitment, and sometimes it feels like it would be easier to just wallow in the worry instead. It takes a lot of effort and energy.

But do you know what else takes a lot of effort and energy? Feeling bad!

We’re blessed with choices, so choose yourself, your health and your happiness.


Lifestyle, Positive Mindset

Hands up if you’ve ever let a negative comment from somebody ruin your day?

Or your week? Maybe you’ve been trolled on social media, or made decisions in your life based on not wanting to upset someone, or for being fearful of how they may judge you.

Here’s 30 reasons to stop thinking this way. Next time you’re fearful of what other people think of you, read this. You’ll find a reason that applies!

1. You’ll never change their mind

2. You’ll never please absolutely everybody

3. You’ll never be everyone’s ‘cup of tea’

4. Think about it. It doesn’t really affect you

5. It doesn’t affect what you can achieve

6. It doesn’t earn you any more money

7. It doesn’t make you any happier

8. It doesn’t make you look or feel any younger

9. It doesn’t make you any wiser

10. You’ll always find somebody who doesn’t agree with you

11. It wastes valuable energy that could be used elsewhere

12. It makes you feel deflated and drained

13. It puts you in a negative state of mind

14. If they’re your friend, or family, they should support you no matter what. If not, their opinion is irrelevant

15. That person isn’t you, and doesn’t see life through the same lens that you do

16. That person probably isn’t happy themselves

17. That person is projecting their insecurity, self doubt and disbelief onto you

18. That person doesn’t understand or want to understand what you do, or the situation you’re in

19. That person may be missing something in their life that you’ve got

20. That person is probably jealous of you

21. Everybody has an opinion, even if you don’t agree

22. Will you care about this person’s opinion in 5 years time? If the answer is no, don’t spend any longer than 5 minutes feeling upset about it

23. This person probably isn’t interested in what’s best for you

24. People who are nasty to others are not happy people, so pity their state of mind rather than letting them affect yours

25. You’ll sleep better at night

26. You’ll feel lighter, and more positive as each day goes on

27. You don’t have to carry the weight of other peoples opinions on your shoulders, so don’t!

28. Nothing bad will happen to you if you stop caring about these opinions

29. You deserve to be happy, and healthy, mentally and physically. Focusing on negativity does not help

30. You are you… and that won’t change. So, you should embrace that be unapologetically you! People love you!

If you know somebody who needs to read this today, share this post with them!


Lifestyle, Wedding

I never thought my mug would be on TV, but on 10th May you’ll spot us on Say Yes To The Dress Lancashire at 9pm on TLC. I thought I’d write a little behind the scenes blog post on our day, as it was full on but we all enjoyed every single second. The camera and production crew from True North, the girls in the bridal shop and of course Gok made the experience unforgettable.

Picture this. It’s 6am, and I’ve jumped in the car in joggers and a hoodie after sending my good friend and make-up artist Mel a panic text at 9pm the night before. “Please please tell me that you can fit me in for make-up early doors tomorrow?! It’s urgent!” I said… and it really was. Mel being the angel she is headed to the salon at the crack of dawn to paint my face ready for my day of filming that lay ahead.

After choosing a nice, natural glowy look, I frantically dashed back home to do something to my hair. The car was booked to pick us up at 7.30am and take us to Eva Rose Hamilton to meet the crew… and as usual I was nowhere near ready. At 7.15am, Gaz’s mum and my future mother-in-law Jan strolled through the door. Never late that one! My mum and grandma had stayed over the night before, and to be honest, we’ve never been great where timekeeping is concerned. Sod it, I’ll just straighten it… my hair drops out within seconds of leaving a curling tong so there was honestly no point in me even attempting it. I threw on my dress and ran downstairs to meet the car. The crew were calling the driver for updates on our arrival, and I sat in the back the entire way to Colne thinking about how bad I was at being on time. Still had time for a quick selfie though… Melissa’s Makeup and Beauty in St Helens everyone! She’s a gem.


When we arrived at the bridal boutique, we were met by the loveliest producers and runners – the highlight was when one of them offered to take my ‘jacket’ which was actually my dress. L O L. I didn’t think parading around in underwear was part of the show hun? After being in such a rush all morning, we were absolutely starving and were greeted with a nice breakfast upstairs in the menswear section – as the bridal floor was totally off limits until filming started. It was a perfect opportunity for a few photos before the day started – the lighting was on point so why the hell not?! I don’t think where I was or what I was doing had quite sunk in at this stage. I remember absolutely hating on my hair but feeling so excited to meet Gok!

I don’t want to spoil the programme so you’ll all have to watch and see what happens, but chatting to Gok and having him pick out wedding dresses for me to try was absolutely amazing. I always used to watch his show ‘How To Look Good Naked’ (did anyone else watch that?!) and always thought he was so cute but also super talented at what he does. He just knows what suits women! I also never truly appreciated or realised the work that goes into filming a TV programme until I experienced this first hand… they graft like crazy and it’s a very, very long day. When I was upstairs getting dressed in between shots, the family had a great time… and plenty of prosecco!


As filming drew to a close, I felt so much gratitude to everybody who had made it so special. Michelle, who was assisting Gok was possibly one of the most genuine and down to earth girls I’ve ever met… so if you’re after a wedding dress definitely pay her a visit at Ava Rose. After we wrapped up at the boutique, we headed to another location where we were met by Gaz to do our final interviews as a couple. They’ve invited the guys on for this series and introduced some very First Dates ‘would you see each other again’ type shots which is really nice! Having my Grandma with us was special as she has actually just turned 89… so when this programme is aired, we will have those memories of her forever. When grandparents get to this sort of age, you really don’t know how long left you have to enjoy them being around… so knowing that I’ll always have my Grandma’s reaction to seeing me in a wedding dress for the first time is close to my heart.

If anybody ever has the opportunity to anything like this, I really would urge you to! It was well outside of my comfort zone, especially having cameras on you from every single angle you could imagine… worrying about how your voice will sound… worrying about if you have a random bogey dangling off your nose that nobody has dared tell you about (it can’t just be me that’s paranoid of stuff like that?!)… but it genuinely was so much fun. I’ve loved watching the rest of the girls so far – 9pm every Friday is my new favourite time of the week.

10th May at 9pm on TLC – look out for us! 




At the end of 2018, something happened to us which for the past 3-4 months I’ve constantly struggled to process, and move on from. In light of recent events in the media, I feel it’s important to share our demons and talk openly. It’s important to ask for help and support when you need it the most. People are constantly keeping things to themselves and fighting battles alone for fear of burdening other people, which I’ve been semi-guilty of since November. I’m writing this to reach out to anybody else who has gone through a similar situation, because it actually affects 1 in 4 women. I’m talking about miscarriage, and how it’s completely turned my life upside down.

When I met my partner, we quickly realised that we were soulmates. A few months into our relationship, we discussed ditching birth control… which sounds crazy but we just KNEW. We were stuck together like glue, and didn’t want to delay having children. I’ve always wanted to become a Mother and he’s very family orientated. I threw out my Cerazette, and felt super excited at the thought that I could potentially fall pregnant… soon!

12 months passed. I wasn’t pregnant and started to wonder if something was wrong. All of my research pointed towards contacting your GP if you hadn’t conceived within a year, but I wanted to be patient. I wanted to give my body time to return to normal after years of birth control. By July 2018, it had been a year and a half since I took any form of birth control… and STILL no positive pregnancy test. I bit the bullet and went to my GP, who handed me a blood test form. I was terrified – not only do I hate needles, but all of a sudden I was scared of what they may find. What if I can’t ever get pregnant? All sorts of thoughts ran through my head, and I actually put off this blood test for 4 months. We decided that, when we returned from our annual holiday to Mexico, we were going to commit to finding out why we hadn’t conceived. After the test, I couldn’t believe I’d put it off for SO long! It made me feel amazing – I did my best to let go of my fear and left the hospital that day thinking “I’m one step closer to being a Mum. For the first time in a long time, I’m actually excited!”

The next day – a withheld number calls me as I’m working. I ignored it – they said my results would take 2-3 weeks to come back – so it must be a spammy call right? Within minutes of it ringing off, a voicemail notification. It was my doctors surgery asking me to phone in for my test results. I got that horrible, tight knotted feeling in my stomach and thought “something’s wrong, they’ve definitely found something wrong. Otherwise, why would they be calling me the next day?”

With baited breath, I called back and spoke to my GP. He sounded confused. “This blood test was for infertility, wasn’t it?” as much as I hated that word, I agreed. “Your HCG is really high…” he paused. “You’re pregnant”.

I literally went numb, with joy, but also with fear. I was actually pregnant?! I could not believe it. After all of this time worrying, telling myself I couldn’t conceive, he confirmed it. My HCG was up, and he scheduled a follow up test to make sure my levels were rising. I’d been feeling off colour for a couple of weeks, but just brushed it off as me coming down with something or not getting enough sleep. That night, I told my partner, and we both cried so, so many happy tears. I downloaded a pregnancy tracking app. I looked at how big my baby was. We talked about how to tell our families. I joined forums where I could connect with other Mums to be… and went to bed that night holding my tummy. It felt so special to know that our little baby was in there.

For the few days that followed, I felt grateful to be pregnant every single day. It was a surreal feeling… and something we had wanted so much! The timing of the whole situation was crazy, the way I just happened to go for my bloods on the exact month we’d finally caught out… it just felt like fate.

I woke up less than a week later to blood… and pain. Sorry, but I promised myself I’d be an open book on this post. I had an awful feeling that something was wrong – and whilst my partner was telling me to stay positive, I was terrified that my dream of us becoming parents was slipping away. As my symptoms worsened over the next day or two… We went to A&E where they took more blood. All I wanted was to be one of those women who have these symptoms and miraculously, baby is ok. Because that does happen! I was frantically reading success stories on forums, but the hospital confirmed the exact news that I didn’t want to hear. I’d miscarried, and HCG had plummeted back to near zero.

I was completely and utterly crushed, and to be honest, so was my partner. We didn’t really talk about what had happened for about a week, because I think we were just both in shock. When we did finally talk, we both just cried. Our happy tears had turned into absolute heartbreak. Within a week of finding out I was pregnant, I wasn’t pregnant anymore… and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it… and all the old feelings crept back again, this time mixed with some new ones… guilt included. There’s something wrong with my body, I’ve failed… I’ve let him down. He was SO excited to be a Dad and that’s been taken away. I tried desperately to see a silver lining, and my Mum reassured me that the great thing is, I CAN get pregnant. And she was right!

3 weeks later, I had a sudden sharp stabbing pain in my right side and thought “surely, I can’t be ovulating again yet?!” Really? So I dashed to the bathroom and grabbed an ovulation test. Positive! I couldn’t believe it. My body was getting back to normal again already. This gave me SO much faith… and actually helped me relax a little.

Fast forward to Christmas Day. This was the very next cycle after our loss… I just had a suspicion that we had caught out again. I wasn’t feeling good at all… sick, tired… but surely it hasn’t happened for us again? Are we really that lucky? Feeling sick with nerves, I grabbed a pregnancy test and took it. 2 lines appeared. I almost fell off the loo in shock. The feelings of joy came flooding back all over again! I ran downstairs to my partner and said babe, you won’t believe this… and showed him the test. What a Christmas gift! I’ll never forget that feeling. Maybe this was going to be our time, after all, the doctors had told us that my chances of a healthy pregnancy next time around were good.

A week later, we’d gone away for the weekend with my best friend and her fiancé to the Lake District. The cramps started… but there was no blood. Although the pain wasn’t bad, I was worried after what had happened last time to say the least. I told myself over and over that it would be ok… until the same symptoms reared their ugly head. It felt exactly the same, and I just knew in my heart that the same thing was happening to me again.

I cannot even begin to describe that feeling. I mean, the first one was crushing, but to be going through this all over again in such a short space of time… Nothing I have ever been through can compare.

The upset and the pain that I felt was physical… I can honestly say my heart physically hurt and still does every day. I spent New Year’s Eve sobbing until 2am on the phone to my mum, asking her why this had to happen to us… and telling her that I couldn’t cope with the hurt. All of a sudden, all I saw on social media were scan pictures, pregnancy announcements, and babies. People tried to make me feel better by saying things like “it’s your body’s way of getting rid of something that may not have been healthy” or “at least you weren’t further along” but none of these things made it ANY better. It affected me in so many ways… I couldn’t get up in the morning. I lost all of my motivation. But the worst thing was the feeling of isolation, which is what’s led me to write this post.

Thankfully now, I have started to look at other ways to cope… and every day I’m trying my best to heal. A couple of months ago, I could never have written and shared this story. But it doesn’t take away the fact that I am still to this day absolutely heartbroken. Like I said before, my heart physically hurts EVERY day, and I’m struggling to move on. Had our first baby stuck, I would have been 22 weeks pregnant this week, I’d have felt movements, I might have a little bump… I may even have caved and found out whether we were having a little boy or a little girl. We’d be prepping our nursery, and buying things. Or, if the second baby had stuck, I’d be a little less further along, enjoying pregnancy after such a heartbreaking loss the first time around. These are things that I think about daily, and constantly ask myself why this had to happen.

Baby loss is something that people sometimes avoid talking about and today, I decided that I was fed up of keeping this inside. No matter how far along I was, no matter what anybody else says, I lost our babies… and there will be women across the world that feel my pain and ask all of the same questions I do. As much as I’m sad to say that I’m 1 in 4, I’m proud of myself for finding the strength and the courage to share this so openly, even when I can’t find the answers why. I’m 24, I’m healthy, my partner is healthy… so why us? Everything that I share is always in the hope that my experience can reassure somebody that they are not on their own. In what has probably been the most isolating experience of my entire life, I wanted to reach out to other women in my position and say:

It’s ok to be hurt, no matter how far along you were. This is a loss, and we need to grieve. Grief has no timeline, and we shouldn’t feel under pressure to move on, or not talk about our experience. I’ve felt all of the resentment, I’ve cried at pregnancy announcements and asked why that couldn’t be us… and I’ve felt like a failure. I wonder what our babies would have looked like, and feel heartbroken that I’ll never see who they could have grown up to be. But what I do know is that we’re fucking tough. I’m lucky to have a gorgeous, supportive partner going through this crazy emotional rollercoaster along with me.

If I can help anybody, even if it’s just for a coffee and a chat, or a phone call, please please reach out me. A huge part of my healing process is to help other people through their darker days.

Chloé xx